In which our intrepid hero reveals the greatest threat to face our civilisation.

Today, the Times reports that Saddam Hussein’s anthrax bioweapons programme was developed from root stock harvested from a cow in Oxfordshire.

Now, we all remember that huge BSE scare in Britain last decade (that’s bovine spongiform encephalopathy, for those of you keeping score at home), if only for the sight of the British Agriculture Minister force-feeding his four-year-old daughter a burger, and later dining upon one himself—with cutlery, no less. The panic surrounding BSE nearly destroyed the British beef industry, and sent ripples through the beef market across the world.

Escherichia coli, salmonella, and clostridium botulinum—all potentially lethal pathogens—may be found in beef products. Every year, thousands are laid low by food poisoning, costing billions of dollars in lost productivity.

Who is really responsible for the greatest terrorist threat in human history? That’s rightקcows. Those gooey-eyed, docile-looking pasture grazers are plotting to kill us. Don’t let the bells and lowing fool you; they’re insidious, horned fiends bent on the total eradication of humankind.

What can you do to stop them? Simple: get them before they get you. Eat beef three times a day. Outfit your entire wardrobe in leather. Keep them so busy producing cheese and yoghurt that they don’t have time to brew bioweapons.

Only then will the world be safe from the menace of bovine extremism.

(In case you haven’t realised by now, it’s probably best if you don’t take everything that I say too seriously. Especially after I’ve been watching Alan Jones on Today.)