In which our intrepid hero considers the accuracy of his phone’s divinations.

Most days, I wake up feeling bleary, not wanting to get out of bed. The alarm will just have gone off, but all it can be guaranteed to do is to make me burrow between the pillows; it takes radio to annoy me into finally getting up.

Still, sometimes, I’m not yet ready to emerge into the world, so I like to read the news on my mobile phone, check out the weather, and often, my horoscope. Three‘s pretty cool like that.

The horoscope is split into three sections: general, love and work. But before this are a series of quasi-meteorological icons to describe various aspects of my life for the day, be they romance, finance, work, mental, physical, emotional or spiritual. You can see the one for rain, just off to the right, here.

I see that one a lot. Particularly in relation to romance. In fact, over the past six months, I only remember seeing a sunny icon once. It’s otherwise cloudsun (whatever that is), cloud, thunder or snow. But I seem to see a lot of rain there.

I suppose this would be quite accurate, except that my love life is pretty rainy all the time, even when my phone tells me otherwise. Maybe the horoscope app just gets bored and likes to change the weather once in a while.

Often, I’ll proceed from the horoscope to their tarot thingy. They “draw” three cards, denoting past, present and future. Except they have weird cards like “Tiger”, as well as a fairly non-threatening selection of major arcana and planets.

Call me a purist, but if you’re going to do that, you may as well have cards like “Lexus LS430”, “Chicken Vindaloo” and “Bizarre Sex Toy”.

Again, the cards always tell me to be prudent with my money and that I’m about to fall in love and get my brains boffed out. Bear in mind that it’s been saying this ever since I bought the phone. Boffage has lacked a sheer immanence of late.

I think my phone is bullshitting me. Still, its advice is no worse than some of my friends’.

Actually, it’s got me thinking: I’ve always wanted to paint my own deck of tarot cards. I want to paint a traditional set (22 major arcana, 56 minor in four suits), but why not do something distinctly, I dunno, me? I can have cards like “Train Delay” or “Cognitive Dissonance” or “Schadenfreude”, make it five-and-a-half suits if I like, and have some fun with it.

Who knows? It may even be a more accurate divination tool than my phone…