In which our intrepid hero states what should be immediately obvious.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you forgiveness. Lindsay Lohan recently stated that her out-of-control behaviour was due to her lack of a father figure:

The 21-year-old star—who checked into rehab for the third time last August following two driving under the influence (DUI) arrests and a brief stint in jail—says seeing her father sent to jail caused her a lot of emotional pain.

Lindsay, who did not speak to her dad Michael—a recovering alcoholic—for three years, said: “When I look back on this last year, it’s like, what was I thinking? Not seeing my father was really hard for me, and not being with my family enough.” […]

Lindsay—who was ordered to work in a mortuary after pleading no contest to misdemeanour DUI and cocaine possession last August—now believes she has a better outlook on life following her spell at Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab.

Thankfully, for Lohan at least, the American legal system has acted fairly when reviewing her case, taking her immense burdens of wealth, fame and lightly-freckled complexion into account in sentencing. She gets away merely with a proverbial slap on the wrist and a little extra harassment by the paparazzi.

With the US’ notoriously harsh drug laws, had Lohan been black—or worse still, poor—she may instead have had several years to reflect on her wrongdoings, regardless of her relationship with her father. Whereas any other perp could only content themselves as being drugfucked, spoilt and devoid of any social conscience, poor little Lindsay can at least point to her father as the sole cause.

Of course, now that Lohan has declared to the world her lack of a father figure, I can just envision a bunch of creepy, old men with dodgy histories, lining up around the block to fulfill Lohan’s needs.

Creepy old men, who look like this:

(Images via The Smoking Gun and The Back Row Manifesto.)